Roy's beep

Saturday, September 10, 2011

lot of sales

The Traveling Salesman, A Story by Roy Durham;

The other day a while back I was left at the ranch all by myself,  Mouse was up in the high country rounding up strays , and the Misses had went to town to go to the beauty parlor  to get her hair fixed. It did not look broke to me but I will be when she gets back and she was going to get it fixed anyway. It was early and the sun had not top the mountains yet. She drove off in the old ford ranch wagon. She gave me a list of thing she expected me to get done around the place while she was in town. That darn list would reach form here to Denver.  Well as soon as she was out of site I settled in on the front porch with a cup of coffee and a touch of whiskey in it. The dog was lying at my feet and I set back in the rocker lit me a smoke and began to contemplate the list, a fellar need to plan out these things you know.

Thing were going well when the dog raise up on his front legs and let out with a low growl, the prelude to a loud vocal display  that warns of something or someone was coming up the road.  I look up and saw a big van coming down the drive. It came to a stop and this fellar got out, he was all duded up real nice, don’t know if he was going to a marring or barring though.  He was out that van and up on the porch before I could get out of the rocker. He hand me a card with all kinds of writing on it. He said “I’m Hennery, but you can call me Hank. He was here representing the Acme ranch supplies.” Now; that darn fellar tongue was wagging faster than the dog’s tail when he is begging for a piece of my bacon at the breakfast table. Before I could say howdy he was opening a case and said it was my lucky day his company had authorize him to give me my choice of the brush’s he had in his case.

He had all kinds of brushes, bottle brushes, scrub brushes, floor brushes, brushes for your hair and the dog, he even had tooth brushes.  I told I really did not need a brush, but I could probably use a new bumble bee to groom my horse.  He fumbles for a bit and came up with one. He said “it is yours to keep just for some of my time”.  Now; that brush was a little different than the ones I get down at the feed store. And Calliope was standing tied up at the end of the porch and I had not curried her yet, so I ask him to show me how this new fangled brush worked. He jumped right to it and in no time at all he had her looking like a show horse.  I told him that was great but I had cattle to feed and cows to milk.

He said “that he had a brand new milking machine that was portable and he would be happy to show me how it worked.”  So we moseyed off to the barn, he started in to milking the cows. He showed me that there was this here button that you push and it separated out the cream and churned the butter.  I told that this was all well and good, but I had work to get done.  I have cattle to feed, and I have to weed the garden.  He said “let me show you this new power hoe it will weed your garden in no time at all he was weeding the garden.” he said “how do you like that?”  I said that all well and good, but I have cattle to feed and I have to fix the gate. Well; wouldn’t you know he had a fix for the gate.
Now; the day is getting on and I have the cattle to feed.  He said “your barn could use a coat of paint.” I don’t know why it never had any paint before, but he said he would paint it for free if I would let him put an Acme sign on it.”  Well, this sounded like a good idea. I ask how long it would take and he said that he would have a crew here in fifteen minutes and they would be about an hour or so. Well I said ok and he got on one of them there cell phone and sure enough there was a crew cleaning and painting all over the barn.

 I told him that this was great thing he was dong for me, but I had cattle to feed and I had to clean the house.  What do you know he popped out of that van with an acme little giant vacuum cleaner with a hundred gadgets to help you clean and he started in cleaning the whole house.  Now I thank him and told I still had a lot of work to do and I had cattle to feed and gather the eggs.  He said let me show you Acme’s new egg basket with a candle lamp, so he gather up the eggs and feed the chickens.  I said the great but I have the cattle to feed. He said he had a Jim dandy cattle feeder. He pulled it out of that van and he gave a yank on the starter rope then headed over to the hay stack. That darn thing picks up four bales of hay and then he headed over to the feed pen and that thing started to pitch out biscuits of hay. You know them cows will want gravy on them now. 

 It was a little passed two and I had not did a lick of the work I was supposed to do and standing around watching this fellar show me all these new fangled things was not getting my chores done. So I told Hank I had to be going up to the high country to help Mouse bring down the strays. So he would have to be going so I could get to work.  I felt bad that he had did all the work I was to do so I bought one of those 99 cent three packs of fly wick traps to hang on the porch. I saddle up Calliope and we headed for the fishing hole up in the high country, and I guess Hank went over to bob’s place.

Mouse and I got back to the house just as ma was getting back from town. She had a lot to say about the state of thing and she had to scold me for not bring in the wash and that thirty foot high sign “ Supplied by ACME Ranch supply” on the barn roof.

Thank you and god bless


JIM said...

Roy I have missed your humor lol You had me smiling throughout this. I broke into laughter at the end just the thought of that sign as the misses drove up is hilarious. Great job Roy you have not lost a step!!! Get well fast we need more laughs from you!!!

Jan said...

Such a sense of humour, love this I can just see the misses as she rounds the bend...

Shelley Workinger said...

The line about the missus getting her hair fixed:
"It did not look broke to me but I will be when she gets back"
is perfect; it's the kind of one-liner that either strikes you one day or takes an hour of agonizing over to word it just right. Love it.

Jessica said...

Haha great post :) I love your sense of humor.hope your wife enjoyed getting her hair done..that's always a nice treat!

cath said...

I was chuckling while I was reading this. Wondering would the salesman ever run out of gadgets. Thanks for sharing the humor with us. Hope you are feeling better Roy.
~cath xo

Anna L. Walls said...

Awesomely hilarious, Roy.

Jim said...

I was wondering where this was going, then realised I was laughing to myself so read along a bit more and finally burst out laughing.
Good to have you back on that bucking literary horse again Roy.

Bongo said...

OMG I am laughing so hard...I hope you are doing well...miss you round here with us folk......get better soon....As always....XOXOXOXO

Kriti said...

You have finally brought the laughter back around this place. THis was hilarious! You have been missed sorely Roy - hope to see you more often now.

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