Monday, September 1, 2014
It has been a while since I wrote any thing. I have had a lot going on in my life my recovery from my total knee replacement was a little rough and there have been problems I had to deal with, the loss of my wife was not something I was prepared for and it been rough dealing with it. Learning to walk allover again you would think I would have down by now being I have had to learn to walk four time this being the fourth. It been a little over two years and there is still a little soreness in the knee joint, but it is getting better. The biggest problem has been taking care of my wife and her death.
This is how my late wife lived the last five years of her life. It is hard if not impossible to know what a person is thinking or know what is going on in their mind. Having live with her for forty six years I can make a best guess as to what she was thinking. I know she was afraid of everything around her. She almost daily would set and cry, I would ask her what wrong, but she could or would not tell me, when she did all she would “it’s all wrong” all I could do was hold her when she would let me. If you can, try to put your self in her mine. Just imagine going to bed and then wakening up in a different place with different people and nothing is as what you remember.
You have been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s/dementia an “illness affecting memory. a serious illness affecting your brain that makes it difficult for you to remember things and becomes worse as time passes” , along with it you have the depression that comes with it “a psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep, and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies”. The place you remember is the home and family when you were very young.
You went to bed last night; you took your meds so you could sleep. You just woke up, and the room is unfamiliar, but some where in the back of your mind you hope you at home. You find someone in your house, who are they? you don’t recognize them. You are hungry so you try to cook something, but you don’t remember how to turn on the stove. The stranger fix’s you your breakfast. How do you use the fork or spoon to eat with? You don’t know.
The thing you have done all your life you don’t know how to do them any more. The door bell ring or the phone and you go hide in the closet. Your world is a strange unknown place. In many ways you are six years old in your mind and the thing you remember no longer exist. You look in a mirror expecting to see you’re self as you were when you were six, but the person looking back at you; you do not recognize. You watch a rerun of a TV show and it is new to you, you watch the move you watched last night and it is new to you but you have watch it a hundred times in the past month.
At present the medication for Alzheimer’s only slows down the progress of the dementia, like the brakes on a runaway big jig going down a steep grade, they will not stop it. There is some evident that suggest that it is heredity, in my wife case she has two brother and a sister that all have been diagnosed with it and one brother pass two years ago because of it.
All though she was diagnosis six years ago, in hind site she was showing sign of it fifteen years ago. We all forget some things over time, and for the most part it’s normal, and with a little prodding we do remember some things, with my wife she would forget going to someplace, or knowing someone. Some friends drop by and wanted to go bowling my wife love to bowl. Honey “You remember Sue and Mac they were on our bowling team?” she could not remember being on a team or them. It had only been a year since we were last together.
I don’t know how a person with Alzheimer’s feels if they hurt or are in pain, I do know it was terrifying for my wife. For me as her care giver it has been a nightmare. At times my wife would say there is nothing wrong with her and I and the doctors were making it all up. I am still trying to understand the illness.
Well this is just the high points of the past two years, things are getting better. I had to give up my house and have been on a hunt for a new place to live. Life goes on.
Thank you and god bless
Sunday, August 31, 2014
I have heard this more time than I can count “why dose god let it happen” or “what is the propose of life”. Well if you really want to know, think about this, how many times have you have been given the opportunity to forgive like Christ, how many time have you had the opportunity to love unconditionally like Christ? How many times have you been given the opportunity to have faith like Christ? How many times have been given the opportunity to be charitable to the needy like Christ? It may be that life is a school of hard knocks, but there are lesson to be learn each time. I did not forget hope for Christ hopes we will learn. In school you can always ask for help form the teacher, we are in school.
I am hoping to be back to posting every day soon. Thank you and God bless
Monday, August 12, 2013
|This is our wedding photo at home on the secound of october 1967|
This is a true story of love. The date was Wednesday July 26 1967 a round 1PM mountain daylight time, at 26th and
Washington Boulevard Ogden, Utah.
Cliff and I were walking home from the auto parts store with the parts to get
his 1952 Oldsmobile back on the road. As we approach the intersection, cliff
spotted a girl friend of his coming across the intersection, Cliff called out
to her. She was with another girl that cliff also knew. It was hot and Cliff
and I want to talk to the girls about going to a movie or a date of some kind
so we invited them to have a milkshake at Dick’s café about a half block
away. Cliff and Shana had not seen each
other in a little over a year so they were catching up. I was with Ellie,
Shana’s girl friend and roommate, she was a cute blond but a little shy, or
maybe it was that I could not take my eyes off Shana. We drank our milkshakes
and made a date for the coming Friday night, we got the girls address and phone
number. The girls lived on 26th just above Washington and Cliff and I were staying at
my folks place. Cliff and I had some work to do to get his car running for
Friday night so we had it to go to the movie with the girls. The girls left for
home and Cliff and I headed to home to work on the car.
As Cliff and I walk home I ask a lot of questions about Shana trying not to let him know I was interested in her, which was hard. It was quite obvious Cliff was excited about getting back with Shana and he was making plans. Being he was my best friend I tried to put my feeling some where else. We worked on the car the rest of the day and got it running about ten that night. I was working the eleven to seven shift at the railroad roundhouse, so I had to go to work. Friday night came and we went to pickup the girls to go to the movie. When we got there my date Ellie had to work. I saw a sign from above there in the girl’s apartment, a rosary hanging on the wall. I ask who it belonged to. Shana said it was hers. But no more comments were made about it. Shana called around to find me a data, with no luck. So we decided to cruse the boulevard to see if we could find me a date. As we cruse the boulevard we got to talking about my horse Ebony, Cliff was driving. Shana wanted to see him so we drove out the pasture where I kept him.
Have you ever look for a black horse
at midnight in a dark pastures? Well it
was not a real problem all I had to do was call him and he came running at a
full gallop. That made Cliff and Shana get on the other side of the fence. I saddled ebb, and let Shana ride him and
Cliff went for a ride also. It was around two am so we took her home and made
plans for the next Friday. Later that day I went out to work ebb and clean his
stall, after giving ebb a work out I took him down to the river and gave him a
bath and cool him out. I was a little tired after the late night and little
sleep. So I decided to ride ebb back to the barn, I swung up on his bare back
which was wet and slippery. Well I slid right on over his back hitting the
ground head first with a out stretched arm to break my fall, and dislocated my
elbow and shoulder. I led ebb back to
the barn and the people who I rented the pasture from called the ambulance. Now
it is a week in the hospital in traction, and the girls move to a different apartment,
and we lost contact with them.
|ebony star my horse|
The month of august I spent healing and went on a date or two with another friend and some girl he set me up with. I could not get Shana out of my head and she was Cliff’s girl and we did not know where she had move to. Then on September 4 Labor Day Cliff and I ran into Ellie and Shana downtown at the city park just about where we met in July. We went to Dick’s again and had a milkshake and we made a date for Friday. Cliff and I had an arrangement he would pay the way on Friday his payday and I would pay the next Friday my payday. Cliff work from noon to eight, I was on day shift seven to three, when I got off work I went up to Shana’s and Ellie’s place. Shana and I played cards and listen to records till Cliff got off work. Then we waited for Ellie to get off at nine. Ellie called at nine and said she had to work over and would not be getting off till one AM. Shana called around and found me a date for the night her name was Susan we picked her up and we all went to the drive inn movie. Susan was alright but we did not click and we just watch the movie, one of the few times I watch the show. The next Friday we planed to go bowling and again Ellie was a no show and Shana and I played cards and listen to records till Cliff got there. Shana call her friend Gay and we went to pick her up but when we got there she had went with her boy friend
Roy before we got there.
Well we spent another night dragging the boulevard looking for me a date. The next Friday a friend of Cliff and I, rick
had got a case of beer and want us to go up to ant flats to spotlight rabbits
and raise hell, so we loaded up our guns and stop to see if Shana and Ellie
want to go rabbit hunting with us. Ellie was not around but Shana came along,
we pick up Rick’s sister Barbara, who was my date. The next Friday was the 29
and my pay day, the movie Grand Prix with James Garner was play that night, and
I want to see it. I got off work and
went home and cleaned up for the date that night. On my way to Shana’s and
Ellie’s I bought a rose and chocolates for both girls. Cliff had got off at
six; they had a breakdown at work and sent his shift home. I gave the rose and
candy to Shana and Cliff told her that I needed a kiss for that. Wow there was
more fire works going off than at Washington DC on the fourth and Times Square
on new years. I did not want to stop, Cliff said that enough. Shana told us the Ellie had move in with her
boy friend, and she had set me up a date with her friend Janis. Well we head
out two pick up Janis who lived on the way to the drive inn. The car broke down
about a half mile from Janis’s house. Cliff and I pushed the car out of the
street with Shana behind the wheel. Cliff was very piss off at the car and when
we got it off the road he put his fist through the back window behind Shana. He
cut up his hand pretty bad and scared Shana to boot. We decided to walk back
into town and watch the movie at the walk-in. Cliff was still very upset and
walk a head of Shana and I. Shana and I stop
at a pay phone and called Janis and told her what had happen, and Cliff had
stormed off a head of us. It was a three
mile walk back to the downtown area and the theater. As we walk in a group,
Cliff had cooled down a bit; we pass a place call the Mecca, pool hall and beer joint. Cliff
spotted a friend that owed Cliff some money in there playing pinball so Cliff
went in to collect. Shana was only eighteen and could not go in so she and I
waited out side on the street. Now everybody had been pick on my Stetson hat and
it was in ruff shape, and we were standing next to the Cross western wear
store, so I had Shana help me pick out a new hat while we waited for Cliff.
Being I had a pocket full of dough I bought Shana a dark blue hat like mine
also. We went back out to see if Cliff was ready to go, but he was playing
pinball now and I told him Shana and I would go on down to the show and I would
leave his ticket at the box office.
Shana and I went to the show and watch it for the most part. I was in haven and hell my mine was on all that had happen and I wanted Shana for my own, but she was Cliff’s girl and he was my best friend. How could I tell her how I felt; what if she did not have any feeling for me and what would I tell Cliff? The show was over and Shana just lived up the hill three block away. As we walk to her place it was sprinkling a light mist, we were holding hands as we walk and made small talk about the show. When we got the corner of her street and a hundred yards from her apartment, I stop her and face her and said “Shana if it were not for Cliff I would ask you to marry me. To hell with Cliff, will you marry me?” She shouted YES before I could finish and we stood there kissing and hugging till the rain drove us inside her apartment, we were both soak to the skin. Shana made some coffee and got us a towels to dry off. We started to make plans to get married. We were both very excited. I got out my wallet and count what I had there was 97 dollars, I told her we could catch the train to Elko and get married, there was no waiting in Elko and no blood test to get. We had some coffee and tried to go to bed, the time was three thirty and the train left at five. So we decided to walk down to the china night restaurant a block from the train station, and had breakfast. We got on the train and Shana was excited as this was her first train ride and the first time she been out of
As we rode the train we she told me she had the same feeling that first day we
met and she was trying to find a way to dump Cliff and still see me. We got to
Elko around noon. We took our picture at the Elko train station in one of them
|we were a little weathered from the rain|
Growing up here in
it was hard to find a girl to date that was of my faith as my mother wished, so
when I saw the rosary on Shana wall I took it as a sign that she was the girl
my mother wanted me to marry. There are many more funny or strange happening to
this story. Shana and I had been in the
same place at the same time and had never met many times before we met for the
first time. She had been in a photo that was taken of me and some friends when
I was about ten years old she had just skated into the picture at the local ice
rink. We live less than a mile from each other, and knew many of the same
people. Some of my friends became my nieces and nephews when Shana and I got
Shana died on the 24 of July but she lives on inside of me and we will be together some day. I hope it won’t be a long wait. He said what god has put together let no man put asunder. God did bless us with each other and his eternal love we share.
This is true as it happened to the best of my memory, there a few things I have left out, but nothing of this story is fiction or a fabrication.
Thank you for hearing our story of love. Your question and comments are welcome I will answer all if I can. I pray that you are blessed by god as I have. Thank you and god bless.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Memory lane how do you travel it? Do you walk or stroll, careful now there may be a toll or maybe a troll. Do you flash back like a time traveler, or drift back on a cloud. What takes you there, a sound, a smell, a word, something you saw or just a thought? Did you go there willingly? Did you have a choice? Did you see black and white still picture or full color movies with sounds and smells? Well I did the other night, it all started with a click of the mouse and I was on a page of a group that were remembering growing up in my home town. There were the ghostly images of places that have long gone away to the wrecking ball and age has made the faces unfamiliar, but I know the some of names of the people. In a black and white picture I saw a face I remembered and the memories were fun. Made a comment and someone commented back. Back then that person was someone I wanted to get to know, but they were at work and they had a friend already. Needless to say I had a crush on that carhop at the A&W. As we commented online I mention my feeling for her back then, and she said that she wished she knew that then. It’s funny because I did my best to get her to go out with me but I was just another customer out of the hundreds she served each day. It’s been said that you can never go home again. In some ways that is right the buildings are gone the people have moved away but the memories still ride the epoch of time. There is a song by Peter Paul, and Mary that fits this post.
It is easy to get lost down memory lane, I had a hard time finding my way back to the here and now, but it was a fantastic trip, some of my old friends are anew can’t wait till we can have a get to gather and remember the good old days.
Thank you for stopping by and your comments God Bless
the blogger who read and comment
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